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Call the Laundrette! AFC Tattenhall Match Report


Sunday, 31 October, 2021AFC Tattenhall vs Waverton
Charlie Cooke

Call the Laundrette! Tell them to take the day off because the sheet is clean and doesn't need washing*
*This was the Headline after 85 minutes. Unfortunately, in the 86th minute there was a slight stain which tainted the sheets, but it was the kind of stain that doesn't cause you to panic and change your bedclothes immediately, a small dollop of garlic sauce from your lonely bed-kebab, or the time when you dribbled a little bit too much in your sleep, or the little bloody paper-cut-from-your-paper-back stain. But we don't let the truth get in the way of a good story!

After a morning of heavy showers which led to the less hardy members of the squad questioning their desire to get soggy, the sun broke through and the game kicked off on a splendorous morning against local rivals, Waverton. The last 3 games against this opposition had ended 4-0 to Tattenhall, 6-1 to Waverton and a 2-2 draw. Nobody knew what to expect, and without a recognised goalkeeper, the erratic Cooke nervously took his place between the sticks.

Tattenhall started on the front foot, and after some killer 'diags' from fullbacks Wilson and Southern, chances were being created, but the attacking tryptics of Withe, Noden and Evans – normally so majestic and clinical – were not hitting the high notes.

Waverton were now beginning to find a foothold in the game, and their midfield maestro began pulling the strings. He sent his latest puppet through on goal, but Pinocchio turned into Tom Daley as he took an elaborate tumble in the box and shrieked at the referee to give him a penalty. For some unknown reason, the referee obliged; he parped his little whistle and pointed menacingly to the spot. Penalty.

Up stepped Geppetto, placing the ball down on the spot like a professional. Cooke stared through his eyes, deep into his soul, telling him on a subconscious level where to place the penalty. He had apparently seen this mind trick on a Derren Brown show a few years ago. If you rotate your eyeballs anti-clockwise three times whilst staring into your enemy's soul, they bend to your will immediately. You are about to find out if it worked.

KABLAMMO! The Waverton puppet master thwacked the ball towards the goal. But what's this? The keeper has only gone and dived the right way, defiantly pushing the ball away like a toddler refusing a spoonful of broccoli.

Soon after, 'Little' James Withe ghosted through the opposition defence to finish with aplomb, and Tattenhall went into the half time break with a slender lead. The second half started with Waverton looking fearsome on the attack, but Virgil Van Wetherby and Damon Jagielka repelled most attacks efficiently enough, while Tattenhall still had enough danger on the break.

Substitutions were made, most notably a return to action for Mr. Farquhar, on the scene of his demolition some 4 years earlier (see FABULOUS FARQUAR's FANCY FEET FOIL the FOE!). Within seconds of coming on, he produced a delicious pass to Dutton, who – with a devious shuffle of his feet – placed it beautifully beyond the keeper and into the back of the net, showing that on a day like today, it is possible to Trick AND Treat.

The little stain happened now, but it is something best not to dwell. If you – like the majority of the population – change your sheets once a quarter, then we can worry about that after Christmas. What we can say though, is that after the stain, Tattenhall saw out the rest of the game with extreme competence, and despite that little scare, produced the most professional of displays.

Next Fixture: Sunday, 7 November, 11 am: AFC Tattenhall vs Madison (Home)

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